Fall down, Stay down,

we are wolves. haunted by the sunlight. we are merely men, vessels of an outspoken word. we are in this forever. we are surrounded by a glimpse of sanity, strained through the idea of hopefulness. we are wolves. we are the tiniest of meaning. we are the memories forgotten through smoke screens serving their purpose calmly steady in a single filed line. we are that white light that flashes in the sky, that brings heavy destruction, and beats the very soul of the imagination. i will fall from the cloud when i am no longer serving such a purpose. i will never fall from our cloud. speak clearly child. hold your head high, prove to them that for the purpose of maintaining forever is a simple blink of your eye. farewell my fellow man, hold close the soft whispers of their dreams.

Fear and Confidence.

IT is madness for sheep to talk peace with a wolf.

I am only physically on the ground. My feet are rooted but my mind stays high. Detatched from the normal, I can only see clouds, everyday life is just a reminder to remind myself that within it's first step all you can do is feel above the ground. The ground, the dirt, the sand, the rocks. Let us walk on water to promote dignity mearly defined at such a great peak in time, that we are projected all the way through our thoughts, steadily standing amoungst the magical world of the sharks and whales.

In hopes that one day this reaches you.
With doubts enclosing the light, shadows emerge with deceit and lies.
I am only hoping that one day this reaches you.
With guidance through the snow, you can always find your way home.
My arms are open. These eyes look with you. We see the same thing. Oh how we see the same thing. Whatever the cause, it makes me yell out your name, fully prepared to hear a distant shout, calming and settling in the front of my mind. In the back of my mind. I always seem to think of things in the back of my mind.

You are always in my mind. I feel my soul collectively forming within your heart. My soul is your soul. Your heart is my heart. IT sounds as if this were all planned, how perfectly damaged it all is. Without the down you can never see the up.
A word promoted as cleaver. I'll wash my hands of this, never to speak again.


Knowingly well aware of tomorrow bringing forth such a powerful energy from the sun, so much that when the storm is approaching and unleashes it's greatest fury, no matter how much damage was left behind in it's ruined past, the great hope for tomorrow is always sitting right in front of us all. And within this great hope for tomorrow, there is such a certainty that it will always come that you should never let yourself fall dissapointed and ashamed. We are just living life. I must follow my footsteps now, casting abroad the sure line of forever, to continue to speak of forever..... What a thought!

Expression. Simply needed to express.

Do we see the same colors? Do we attend the same events? Are we walking along, following each others footsteps? The hallway that led to the basement door has been shallow and vacant for some time now. With every distant action, featuring the smile of a young gentlemen, you may say it all secretly hides in the shadows of the hallway. You don't want to enter forever unless it is brightly lit. That's ok, for we are not the same. I do not see the same colors, I do not attend the same events, my footsteps are led by me, and followed by me. My hallway was very dim, very cold and unknown, and the day I let my ambitions go, the day I let myself detatch from every single solid pure realistic fact in my life was the day that I truely found myself following myself with every second a new step towards THE wanting of forever. I have found myself, I have found everything a simple man could ask for. Me a simple man? Absurd! For the time being, which for me is now with comfort of forever, I feel simple, simple because I have kept tight hold on love, and of course on forever. I praise my sunshine while we sit on our cloud. My wife, for my wife. My daughter, for my daughter.. I have given my entire soul to my sunshine and our cloud.

"I once was blind, but now I see."
Oh favorite line, I envy your every word.

I am the living fact that change and belief is right, and in its' right, every secret, every question ever asked has an answer. It has a place.

P.D. Ouspensky;

a few quotes from the man I learned countless feelings and ideas from.

"Generally speaking, the significance of the indirect results may very often be of more importance than the significance of direct ones. And since we are able to trace how the energy of love transforms itself into instincts, ideas, creative forces on different planes of life; into symbols of art, song, music, poetry; so can we easily imagine how the same energy may transform itself into a higher order of intuition, into a higher consciousness which will reveal to us a marvelous and mysterious world.
In all living nature (and perhaps also in that which we consider as dead) love is the motive force which drives the creative activity in the most diverse directions."

"There exist moments in life, separated by long intervals of time, but linked together by their inner content and by a certain singular sensation peculiar to them. Several such moments always recur to my mind together, and I feel then that it is these that have determined the chief trend of my life."

"Our ancestors were very rich and eminent people, and they left us an enormous inheritance, which we have completely forgotten, especially since the time when we began to consider ourselves the descendants of a monkey."

"Humanity in the face of the idea of hidden knowledge reminds one of the people in fairy-tales who are promised by some goddess, fairy or magician that they will be given whatever they want on condition that they say exactly what they want."

"I felt that on a basis of a "search for the miraculous" it would be possible to unite together a very large number of people who were no longer able to swallow the customary forms of lying and living in lying.
When a man begins to know himself a little he will see in himself many things that are bound to horrify him. So long as a man is not horrified at himself he knows nothing about himself."

"People who think they can control their negative emotions and manifest them when they want to, simply deceive themselves. Negative emotions depend on identification; if identification is destroyed in some particular case, they disappear. The strangest and most fantastic fact about negative emotions is that people actually worship them. I think that, for an ordinary mechanical man, the most difficult thing to realise is that his own and other people's negative emotions, have no value whatever and do not contain anything noble, anything beautiful or anything strong. In reality negative emotions contain nothing but weakness and very often the beginning of hysteria, insanity or crime. The only good thing about them is that, being quite useless and artificially created by imagination and identification, they can be destroyed without any loss. And this is the only chance of escape that man has."


and finally;

"Under the conditions of modern life we have more control over our thoughts, and in connection with this there is a special method by which we may work on the development of our consciousness using that instrument which is most obedient to our will; that is, our mind, or the intellectual centre. In order to understand more clearly what I am going to say, you must try to remember that we have no control over our consciousness. When I said that we can become more conscious, or that a man can be made conscious for a moment simply by asking him if he is conscious or not, I used the words 'conscious' or 'consciousness' in a relative sense. There are so many degrees of consciousness and every higher degree means 'consciousness' in relation to a lower degree. But, if we have no control over consciousness itself, we have a certain control over our thinking about consciousness, and we can construct our thinking in such a way as to bring consciousness. What I mean is that by giving to our thoughts the direction which they would have in a moment of consciousness, we can, in this way, induce consciousness."



Teachings, taught, and I am a believer.

From what I can remember, I need to speak clearly, profoundly, proudly, honestly, strictly, purely. I am shy, I am afraid, I am weak, I forget, I lie, I sin, I disobey, I am ugly, I feel beautiful. I remember him telling me, "you are forever." I feel safe in his words, he speaks so strongly. In his words I know peace and love. I feel love. When I forget his words I remember my sorrow. I don't want to be sad anymore. But I am not sad. I am not afraid. I am not shy. I am not weak. I do lie, but I am only a human! Projected images are sprayed from my eye, more from my mind to my eye, to what I see in front of me, which is behind you. Think of this, you're not sure if what behind you is what you see when you turn around and it is front of you, truth of it all is, what is really existing, what is really non-existing, which one is reality and which one is just trapped up in our head. For me he spoke, he didn't just 'talk', he spoke, and I listened, I sat hours and hours and listened. He spoke on behalf of his inner most demons, he named them simply, his subconcious. What an explation to every thought processed, every pure reaction, every impure thought.

Alright now.

detail! detail!

on the mountain-top is where I stand. I am the king of this land.

Frozen In Praise

..for my daughter, i give my life, i give everything i have ever experienced in my life. for my daughter, i will fight whoever comes to try and endanger her, verbally, physically.. i will exile all the ghosts, all the monsters, all the closet creatures from her bedroom, for my daughter, i testify, until the day i die i will show her that there is a sun, there is a moon, there are stars and every path she takes on will always lead her to a better tomorrow. for my daughter i give my entire soul.for my wife, i give my life. i give everything i've worked for in my life. for my wife, i give every ounce of love and caring to her, i offer her thoughts of relaxation, stress ridden, comfortable thoughts. i will continue, until the day i die, to give her the world, i will give her the moon, i will give her the sun, i will show her the clouds aren't as unreachable as we think. for my wife, myself was found, myself was born. in her i have taught myself to be caring, to be free, to be able to experience tomorrow. i see tomorrow when i look into her eyes, i see tomorrow after tomorrow and after that i see a sort of forever light, a forever light that doesn't dim. for my wife, within my wife i have figured out the question "how i am not myself?" i can answer that clearly now, i can answer that proudly now.. i am not myself without my daughter, without my wife. i am not myself without the thought of them... without them.. without them, the thought makes me cold. i am myself now, i have found myself in the near past, and with everything put out, put aside, carefully set neatly, i have only this to say.. i am me, and all i am for me, is for my daughter and for my wife. and for my daughter, my wife, and i, to see the forever, that everyone doesn't want to see. i see forever in my life.

I Am Just A Man

only a man, i am. i sit on top of clouds, above other men, i see things in different ways than other men, i cannot grasp concepts which are lacking of meaning unlike other men, other men take their life and step away from any change, any uncontrolable actions, any risks, any waking up with an awareness that wasn't ready before. unlike other men, i have found myself amoungst these men, and with knowing i am just a man, i live my life on the outside of the line, i appreciate what has came into my life, what i have made for myself, where i have ended up with my life. my life is much more than just being a man, trapped with other men, measuring life in small doses and never seeing what isnt there as the actual sight we always see. my life is full of life, full of adventure, full of change, full of hope, full of wanting, needing, desire, full of the sun, full of the rain, full of the terrible storms that are always followed by great skies and wonderful songs. see with my life i have a two things that make my life not just a life of a man. i praise my wife corrine, i praise my daughter mara. let it be known, for on the 7th day of june, my life had stopped, and began again in the matter of moments. for on that day i died, i let myself leave myself, and for that day i opened my eyes just moments later and saw that i was living a new life, a complete altered life, with great fear i continued on that life, with that life brought me great things, good and bad, and with that life, i have found my life, now my life is complete, and it will continue to grow complete with every day, with every tomorrow leaves every yesterday, and for my life being just a man, amoung other men, i feel myself higher than ever imagined. thank you corrine. thank you mara. thank you mark. thank you everyone who has ended up being the ones that i pushed away the most. for you are the ones that make our life wonderful.
great praise,

A Prefix

i wear my clothes as shelter from the sun. i lay awake awaiting her to open her eyes., for when she opens her eyes i don't need my clothes anymore. i dont need to be protected from anything anymore as soon as she opens her eyes. when she opens her eyes and i see her smile, it's kind of like a fairytale where such devestation has overcame and won the soul of a boy, and for years while he struggled and struggled trying to understand the meaning of being a man, he hit the lowest of lows and saw the ugliest of uglies. while terror and desperation always took hold, one day while giving into the devil's delight, he was struck by a sudden urge to change everything he had known. the devil brings laughter to his thought of change, but while he realized he was his own devil, destroying himself and hurting everyone and everything around him, that urge kept pushing. and behind the urge to change was a face, a face, a smile, a warm comfort soul. as the fairytales go, he wanted nothing more but to be in love, and to be loved. and on that dark summer night, where everything was out of his control, while the devil's joined hand in hand in great summer night song, he saw tomorrow. such a great weight was lifted. and like the fairytales go, he was tamed to himself and for the love of another.i have seen a lot. i have felt a lot. i have been a lot of different people.all of these bricks started looking the same, on every building they were just more and more bricks. i'm getting away from myself, what i am meaning to say. when i start to forget who i am, where i have been, where i am, what i am, i close my eyes and open them, to re-realize how everything has gotten. see for her, i am me. it's unmistakenable the kind of person i was before i met her. i will never turn my back or lay my head to what life was before her. but i cannot put a million days on this sole fact, the only reason when i breathe i feel and taste fresh air. it's all simple if you don't think about it. see you can just say i am in love, i praise god, i am alive! but to really be in love, to really praise god and to really be/feel alive you must take in every single fact, specific and broad, dark and bright, full and empty. you must take it all in and let it flow through your body so free that you sometimes forget to take a step back and realize you are in fact still living in reality.
it's all really just words on a screen, scribbled words in a notebook, but with these thoughts twisted and winded, tangled, torn, we should think that's what makes reading a little less dull, and maybe sometime somewhere it reaches into you at a moment you least expect it, to help you go on, stay a little stronger than the next blind follower.
flowers and trees, and the sky above helps you remember the little things that make up every aspect of life.
the deepest path taken will lead you to a more enjoyable and remarkable ending., to any story, short or tall.
in fact, all i am saying in this specific blog, on this specific computer screen, in this specific location, with my daughter on my lap and my wife in front of me, all i am saying is without the sun, without the shine, i would be lost. i would continue on so blindly led, following the next can of beer, the next bag of drugs, the next meaningless encounter with someone. i am claiming the end. the end to hardship for her and i, the end of sudden stress undoubtly misconceived. and after all these are just words thought up in a mind that has grown to understand "control" and to fight off the devil, fight off the demons, fight off those useless urges that only lead empty.
i am claiming the end.

What is it really spoken of?

Oh the day. Oh the day. Such greatly spoken on behalf for the day. For this day and that day. Deciding between the days isn't formed beneath a shell. Suspiciously walking, more like tip toe tapping in front of your eyes. It's a present tense talk about subject. Kind of like "you may laugh, but you shall not smile, you may talk but you shall not speak." You can form your own fantasy to the words spread across the mind of a young man, a young boy, an older femal, and a young girl. There were campfire tales which agelessly crossed generations of skeptics and eager young minds so open to the thought of "anything can be possible if we just imagine it is real." It was in those endless nights filled with smoke from the fire, reaching the greatest peaks of the heavens above, that the feeling of "endless" was born, to me at least, that's where it all started. Though i wasn't presently existing at that specific time, we could just imagine, that in fact, I was there in the wind, maybe in a night owl watching over the groups of songs that circled the campfire. It was a good introduction to the thoughts I would soon enough grow into, always expanding my mind with the sole fact that as long as you close your eyes and open them to see life in a different detail, that anything is possible with imagination and focus on the greater good which undoubtly represents freedom through positivity. Follow the old burned wood tracks. Follow the green hills. Follow a butterfly through a field of flowers, run along the lightly spotted birds. Anything unknown will be the start to understanding why it is so important to represent the "known". It all makes sense if you just wrap it up and hold it tightly in your palm. Letting go of yesterday, not forgetting about tomorrow. Thinking is worth more, to many, than single spoken words just filling up empty and quiet voids in conceptual meetings lasting no longer than at that specific random encounter. To sit in silence of good company is the goal here. To understand words do not need to be filled up always interrupting the silence. If you have silence, with the complete understanding of the silence, than that'll speak more and grow louder than any greatly completed conversation you could ever have.

Oh for the day, Oh on this day.